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For when your thoughts are drifting to things not so movie, or if you're feeling trivially inclined.
591

We're Smart!
Topic by: Battie
Posted: September 10, 2005 - 9:36 PM PDT
Last Reply: September 21, 2005 - 4:05 AM PDT

page  1  2  3  4  5      prev | next
author topic: We're Smart!
Battie
post #1  on September 10, 2005 - 9:36 PM PDT  
Well, everyone, at some point or another, brags. Whether it's deliberately, or unconciously. So...I decided we Greencine-ers need to admit to some of our stupidest moments. Many of you already know mine:

-Setting the TV on fire (and subsequently blowing it out, only to have the smoke/soot end up in my nostrils, throat, and lungs)
-Nearly rear-ending grandmother
-Getting car stuck on driveway hump
-Getting shiori lost in Dallas, despite living there most my life
-Spraying self in the face with pepper spray
-Trying to aim breath spray in mouth...but missing (shiori WITNESSED that). Twice.
-Falling on my ass in theater arts while doing an "exercise" in front of about forty people, one of which was a friend AND crush
-Trading a Deftones CD for a LIFEHOUSE and Godsmack CD (smack me)
-Working for Wal-Mart
-Getting a tattoo on my neck (my issue is not with the tattoo itself, but the placement)

I, thankfully, have forgotten many more.
woozy
post #2  on September 11, 2005 - 1:43 AM PDT  
-- putting my thumb through the hole in a bagel to get a better grip for slicing it. (Okay, that wasn't actually me but I emphasized so much it could have been.)
-- leaving my house and car keys in the car door or house door for days at a time. (more than once)
-- walking into plate glass windows.
-- trying to pull a single sided razor blade (not safety) out of its protective paper not realizing you were were supposed to left the flap and take the paper off the blade, not the blade out of the paper. The more trouble I had the harder I pulled and pulled untill finally with a huge yank I pulled it out and my arms flew apart. And then on reflex my arms flew together. While I was holding the razor blade...
-- standing on a chair to put a curtain rod up and stepping down putting my heel straight through the sheetrock.
-- baking hams, pizza's, etc. with the platic tabs still attached.
-- mistaking shampoo for mouthwash.
-- mistaking a glass of bleach for a glass of water. (Really, that was my mother's fault if you think about it.)
-- investing in internet stock
-- wondering what would happen if I ran my 110 volt battery recharger in a 220 volt outlet. (just curious)
-- forgetting where I put my paycheck and deciding a fire would calm me down. Why use newspaper when I have plenty of junk mail cluttering up my living room.
-- forgetting to put away the paper bag marked "Good Vibrations: Plain Brown Wrapper" when my mother came to visit.
-- calling a good friend in college "you ignorant slut" assuming it'd be absolutely a completely obvious I was refering to the famous saturday night live skit.
-- dropping a used condom on the floor and spending hours the next day looking for it and not finding it .... for a while.
-- hiding easter eggs too well.
-- mailing my netflix movies to GC and vice versa.
-- mailing my favorite Marlene Dietrich CD to netflix.
IronS
post #3  on September 11, 2005 - 11:45 AM PDT  
- when roused from sleep by the ringing telephone, answer the phone by shouting into a number of things on the bedside table before waking up sufficiently to pick up the receiver (I did this once; I don't have the phone by my bed anymore)
- go to bed with the front door open (I did that quite a few times in my previous abode; at least it was a reasonably safe neighborhood - nothing happened)
Battie
post #4  on September 11, 2005 - 12:27 PM PDT  
ROTFL! My brother did the bleach thing.

Here's a few more of mine (from childhood):
-swinging around a square post in a two-piece bathing suit right above a rose bush with more thorns than leaves and blooms...you can guess what happened.
-chasing my brother into the house, only to have him slam the door behind him, leaving me to skid to a stop, putting my hand through one of the glass panels.
-refusing to make up mind on whether to stay and play with friends or go "into town" with family--jumped off the back of the moving truck, then ran and caught back up with it, then jumped off the back again (backwards, too)...concrete hurts.
-burying a rabbit my dog had killed, only to dig it up a week or so later (WHY did I do that?)
woozy
post #5  on September 11, 2005 - 2:41 PM PDT  
-- putting shrimp in a microwave and then forgetting about it for two days in the summer.
-- going to bed with my socks on (when 7 years old) and brushing my foot against the window on a cold night and watching the trails it formed and then rubbing my foot against the window in wide long trails and then ... *crash*
-- rushing to get dressed after an afternoon quickie and running down the street before I realize I forgot to remove the .... (!!!!!*ICK*!!!!!)
-- crashing on the floor while visiting a friend and putting on the jeans I wore the day before which were still clean and mid way through the day while walking with the friend realizing yesterdays underwear had been left in the jeans and were slowly sliding down my leg and would fall out my cuff in about four more steps.
-- trapping mice and rats at the same time and hearing a snap and seeing a mouse trap wriggling behind a counter and reaching and pulling it to see what it was. (What'd I *think* it was? And what am I going to do now that I'm holding in my bare hands a mouse trap attached to the nose of a *very* angry large rat suspended in air?)
-- (embarrassing college confession about my one and only [honest!] experience with hallucinagenic drugs) "So you two, want to do acid?" "Well, finals are over and I do like to figure things out for myself. What's it like?" "Like the funnest amusement ride" "No, I mean physically, what's it like?" "like the funnest amusement ride" "Never mind. How many should I take for my first time?" "How ever many you like" "Yeah, but I have know frame of reference so I don't know." "One or two hits." "Maybe one, that's the low dose? One hit?" "Well, mosst start with half or a quarter hit but that's with paper, these are drops on sugar cubes so we can't do fractions. But I never got anything in fractions." "Okay, one hit then." "Wellll... but I really want to take two" "Well, this is my first time, so I want to start small. Why don't you take two and I take one" "We should all do the same" (the other LCD virgin:) "Yeah, we aren't sharing if we don't do the same lets flip a coin" "Okay" flip a coin "well, its two hits then" Other LCD virgin: "I feel so wonderful that we made that decision by consesus!" "Oh, by the way one of these cubes accidently has two hits on it but it's not likely one of you two will get it." Me: "should we eat anything. I'm hungry and haven't eaten anything since a bagel this morning and it's 7 pm now" "No, everything's better on an empty stomach." *we each swallow two sugar cubes* *five minutes later colored hand trails, telescopic visual transportation, repetitive echoing sounds. ten minutes later pliable glass windows dicrete and countable but infinite (Aleph Null; I *was* a math major after all) buttons on my shirt, crisis of faith when I look and cannot say distinct molecules and fear the conclussion that matter is continuous. fifteen minutes later can not measure distance and my friend is three feet high with racoon whiskers and ears and I'm terrified we might make the stupid decission to get in a car and drive (even though we left the car a mile and a half away). An hour and a half later I see myself in a dorm kitchen while my dorm mate is intensely staring into my face and speaking intensely and directly to me and asking pointed questions and demanding I answer. The mean value thereom claims I can not move from the field behind porter college the the merrill dorms without passing through points in between so as I have no memory past the Kresge parking lot (where we looked at stained glass oil spills) I conclude I can not be here, which makes sense as I *had* taken the universe apart bit by bit and didn't know how to put it together, didn't I? So this is a hallucination. But it's a weird one. Why is *this* dorm mate dealing with me so intensely? I was never that close to her (co-ed dorms, BTW) and I didn't think she ever really noticed much about me. Now, Kim, she was my compatriot and close pal! Oh, look, there's Kim! I must have hallucinated her into existance! It has to be a hallucination because I've never seen that blouse. I do like this hallucination the woman grilling me is too intense. As long as it's my hallucination I'm going to fondle Kim's boobs. It's not something I'd ever do in real life but as this is a hallucination...
-- ... still reading? In third grade a class bully offering me gum. "No, thank you I don't like gum." Bully insisting its really good gum and shoving it in my hand and running off. Meet the popular class jock while holding the gum. "What's that?" "Some gum but I don't like gum" "I love gum! Can I have it?" "sure... " popular jock pops gum in his mouth... eyes go wide "What the hell!.... What kind of joke?! Oh, you are *sooooo* dead!"
dpowers
post #6  on September 11, 2005 - 4:35 PM PDT  
-- jaywalking directly into a police motorcycle that was driving through the intersection
-- trying to pull the broken teeth of an electric plug out of the socket with my fingers
-- (a) after she'd bought her dress, (b) breaking my senior prom date (c) with someone i loved with all my heart (d) for no apparent reason and (e) never apologizing
-- forgetting to close the trapdoor of a neighbor's (nifty) treehouse, with predictable result
-- yelling into a pipe full of hornets, with predictable result
-- not shutting the f*ck up last summer at my uncle's when i shoulda
-- making a joke about my mother-in-law's body bag as they were wrapping her corpse for transportation (but come on, did they really think a plush corduroy exterior would hide that they were putting her in a gigantic plastic trash bag?)
woozy
post #7  on September 11, 2005 - 9:47 PM PDT  
-- being assigned in 11th grade physics to observe the sunset once a week for six weeks. Finding a nice spot entirely to myself on the hill above the Cal by the fire trails. Deciding since I'm utterly and completely alone no-one would hear my sing the rolling stones "while tears go by". Finishing and hearing a noise. Turning around to find myself looking straight into the eyes of a girl in my german class and her boyfriend.
Battie
post #8  on September 12, 2005 - 3:22 AM PDT  
Luckily, I've only experimented with cigarettes and weed. Not even alcohol and I've had access to it...pretty much a large part of my life (including now). ;) Umm...

-Propping my foot up on the windshield of my grandmother's car, only to hear a *crrrraccck.* Put my foot down, then pretended I hadn't done anything.
-Putting velveeta in a styrafoam cup, sticking it in the microwave, and turning it on. I wanted a snack of melted cheese...but the cup caught fire, and the microwave nearly did, too.
-I set the carpet on fire once. Or Twice. I have fire issues.
-(this is more of a rant) Finding a band I absolutely LOVE (Paranoid Social Club) but decided not to go see them last Thursday, when the cover was only $4.02 (would've been $3 less, but I'm not quite 21 yet)
-my summer pastime when I lived in Deport, TX had highlights that included walking across melted tar on the roads and throwing things at any wasps' nests me and my friend could find (but luckily, this didn't result in any harm)
-deciding, as a kid, to go find my mother who was actually in another COUNTY. My brother and I walked about...5-10 miles only to arrive at the place she'd gone to find out from a Mexican guy who could BARELY speak English that she'd just left. Then we walked all but the last half-mile back home. (Did I mention I'd only been to the house once...at night?)

My exploits aren't half as horrifying as y'alls. The TV fire will be my worst ever. :P

Woozy...didn't your parents tell you not to do drugs? >:P

dpowers...I love the cop story. I had an urge once in North Dallas to rearend the cop car in front of me. But that was a deliberate thing... :P As for the bodybag thing...I'd have probably done the same thing. I'm rather notorious for a lack of class when it comes to things like dead people. *looks innocent*
Bowwow
post #9  on September 12, 2005 - 9:56 AM PDT  
> On September 12, 2005 - 3:22 AM PDT Battie wrote:
> ---------------------------------

>
> Woozy...didn't your parents tell you not to do drugs? >:P
>

He grew up in Berkeley, California.


woozy
post #10  on September 12, 2005 - 10:54 AM PDT  
> On September 12, 2005 - 9:56 AM PDT Bowwow wrote:
> ---------------------------------
> > On September 12, 2005 - 3:22 AM PDT Battie wrote:
> > ---------------------------------
>
> >
> > Woozy...didn't your parents tell you not to do drugs? >:P
> >
>
> He grew up in Berkeley, California.
>
>
>
> ---------------------------------

My mom told me not to do drugs except beer and wine at home and I absolutely never ever did until college. As I said, this was my one and only time with hallucinagines and I was 21 and a junior at the time.

My dad told me marijuana was the greatest thing on the planet and Chirinjiva, a 67 year old tramp on the streets of India, was the divine manifestation of human will in this new age of cosmic consciousness and this was the end of history and Richard Nixon would weep at Chirinjiva's feet in front of the nation in the 8th year of the Shiva Kalpa (1976 for those of you on the old calendar). I didn't pay much attention to my father.


I was embarrassed that I assumed my friend Kim was a hallucination so I figured I might as well fondle her breasts. Then when I straightened up (which, by the way, was like a light switch "out of it"/"straight")[1] and she came back to the kitchen wearing the same clothes as my hallucination I wanted to crawl under a rock. A few months later we talked about it and she assumed "lots of people want to have sex when stoned; it was obnoxious but no big deal; I just left" I was still really embarrassed.

[1]Actually, I "came to" right away in the kitchen. The thing that took me more than an hour longer to get straight, was that I assumed I was hallucinating and all my efforts to come to were to try to come to in the Kresge parking lot or the field behind Porter college where I assumed I really was if I could recreate the real world. Had I known I *was* in the dorm kitchen I wouldn't have been so resistant to coming to.
woozy
post #11  on September 12, 2005 - 11:08 AM PDT  
Horrifying Battie Exploit #1:
> -I set the carpet on fire once. Or Twice. I have fire issues.
...
Horrifying Battie Exploit #2:
> -deciding, as a kid, to go find my mother who was actually in another COUNTY. My brother and I walked about...5-10 miles only to arrive at the place she'd gone to find out from a Mexican guy who could BARELY speak English that she'd just left. Then we walked all but the last half-mile back home. (Did I mention I'd only been to the house once...at night?)
>
> My exploits aren't half as horrifying as y'alls.

It's all a matter of perspective. And the telling.

The drug experience wasn't too bad and it made all my regular recreational drug users jealous cause they all wanted a trip like mine and never had one. They thought I was crazy to start with two hits when most started with a quarter hit.

I may have gotten the cube with two so it may have been three but as I was hungry I probably was very susceptable to it. I had never had surgery so I had never been knocked out. And though I had been intoxicated to impaired mental functions a few times it had been slow to get there and it didn't shut down or transmute my mental functions, just dullened and weakened them. This was like being knocked out for surgery (I had my wisdom teeth pulled the next year) except instead of shutting down I went to abstract perception. It was like vivid dreaming state except I had more access to reasoning functions so I could apply theory and philosophy but no access to evaluative judgement so I was inable to distinguish between something existing because I thought about it despite no experience of it existing and something existing because of experience. While never do it again but it was a fascinating observation.
shiori308
post #12  on September 12, 2005 - 1:20 PM PDT  
Hmmmm... I don't know if i want to go into this I am an angel compared to my pre-adolescent/ adolescent days.

Let's start with those sex-drugs-and alcohol exploits...

--Drinking a bottle of Nyquil and three shots of pure vinegar because another twelve year old tells you it will make you drunk. I cannot take Nyquil to this day but I love the smell of things with vinegar in them. Having your stomach pumped at twelve and trying to explain to your parents why you drank a bottle of Nyquil is quite an interesting experience.

---I definitely shouldn't mention this but I am going to anyhow. So I did ecstasy once in high school. I was eighteen and had frequent parties at my house on the weekends. One party a very troublesome friend of a friend brought a large amount of ecstasy for a "trial high" he was the drug dealing boyfriend of one of my friends. About 25 sixteen to twenty one year olds were all high on ecstasy...the hottub was going...the music was strangely erotic...and we all woke up naked and thoroughly embarassed. One of my friends decided to come out of the closet that night, two girls lost their virginity and I can describe in detail exactly how and how long twenty five of my high school friends have sex.

--Once got so drunk that I decided I wanted to pierce my tongue...with a clever.

---once got so drunk that a friend and I decided to play tractor chicken.... didn't know one could do so much damage at such a slow speed.

---Once got so stoned that I decided to call my English professor at two o'clock in the morning and tell her the existential themes in anime that make it more than just a cartoon (she had earlier that day gotten into a heated discussion with me during class about the worthlessness of anime and that its only purpose was to display meaningless violence.

---Once told a friend that if she really wanted to run away from home she could come and stay at my house. Then we got stoned and her mother came to my house and told me she was looking for her "worthless excuse for a daughter and the most reasonable place was a flop-house like mine" and I told her that even if her daughter was here she wouldn't want to go home with a hegemonic bitch who was only using her daughter to get her dead father's money. Then her new husband punched me. This would be the second time I had been punched in the face in my lifetime.

---First time I was punched. Went to a night club at eighteen got fondled by an asshole. Put a knee to his balls, his instant rection as he folded forward was to punch me in the face. Then had to pretend not to be drunk when explaining to an officer what happened and praying to god that they wouldn't ask me how old I was.



Okay I could say more but the well behaved, much older and wiser Shiori has to go finish her lit review for her Conduct Communication Inquiry class. Now I know why my parents were so stressed out all the time when I was younger.

shiori308
post #13  on September 12, 2005 - 1:23 PM PDT  
Noticeable speeling mistakes on my part...

pierced tongue with CLEAVER

angry man with hurt testicles REACTED

woozy
post #14  on September 12, 2005 - 1:48 PM PDT  

> Noticeable speeling mistakes on my part...
>
> pierced tongue with CLEAVER
>
Very clever typos though. A peirced and piercing tongue *is* clever.


> angry man with hurt testicles REACTED
>
My response would be to double over and moan in pain, but I have known a few men whose response would be a 'rection. (wierdos!)
Battie
post #15  on September 12, 2005 - 2:23 PM PDT  
> On September 12, 2005 - 1:20 PM PDT shiori308 wrote:
> ---------------------------------
> ---I definitely shouldn't mention this but I am going to anyhow. So I did ecstasy once in high school. I was eighteen and had frequent parties at my house on the weekends. One party a very troublesome friend of a friend brought a large amount of ecstasy for a "trial high" he was the drug dealing boyfriend of one of my friends. About 25 sixteen to twenty one year olds were all high on ecstasy...the hottub was going...the music was strangely erotic...and we all woke up naked and thoroughly embarassed. One of my friends decided to come out of the closet that night, two girls lost their virginity and I can describe in detail exactly how and how long twenty five of my high school friends have sex.
>

Hahahaha! That's sooo wrong and just sooo funny.

My ex called me after trying X. He mentioned something along the lines of, "I needed to be naked...and everything felt sooooo good." Rotfl. Never, ever, ever trying it. I have trouble holding onto control when I'm in a GOOD MOOD; god knows what would happen on X.

> ---once got so drunk that a friend and I decided to play tractor chicken.... didn't know one could do so much damage at such a slow speed.
>

Rotfl.

>
> ---Once told a friend that if she really wanted to run away from home she could come and stay at my house. Then we got stoned and her mother came to my house and told me she was looking for her "worthless excuse for a daughter and the most reasonable place was a flop-house like mine" and I told her that even if her daughter was here she wouldn't want to go home with a hegemonic bitch who was only using her daughter to get her dead father's money. Then her new husband punched me. This would be the second time I had been punched in the face in my lifetime.
>

You punched him back, right?

What does "Hegemonic" mean?

>
> Okay I could say more but the well behaved, much older and wiser Shiori has to go finish her lit review for her Conduct Communication Inquiry class. Now I know why my parents were so stressed out all the time when I was younger.
>

Tell more!
Eoliano
post #16  on September 12, 2005 - 2:32 PM PDT  
> What does "Hegemonic" mean?

Simply put, domineering.
woozy
post #17  on September 12, 2005 - 3:04 PM PDT  
> "I needed to be naked...and everything felt sooooo good." Rotfl. Never, ever, ever trying it.

I don't like things that *change* my judgement. Alcohol *dullens* and impairs judgement and thoughts but doesn't *change* them. Kava, caffeine, and prescription drugs heighten, muffles, or accesses or alters the triggering of moods but do absolutely nothing to the judgements and thoughts. I don't want a drug that makes me need or want to be naked when I otherwise wouldn't. A drug that makes it easier or more enjoyable to be naked or dullens the reasons *not* to be naked when I already want to be naked is okay though.

No drugs for me unless I know absolutely what they do and why I want it done! Brain is chemicals and sensitive chemicals at that!!!
Bowwow
post #18  on September 12, 2005 - 4:20 PM PDT  
I have always wanted to do X but my friends are just a little too old to have those sorts of connections.

woozy
post #19  on September 12, 2005 - 4:41 PM PDT  
> On September 12, 2005 - 4:20 PM PDT Bowwow wrote:
> ---------------------------------
> I have always wanted to do X but my friends are just a little too old to have those sorts of connections.
>
>
> ---------------------------------

Dogs should not do drugs!!!!!

Bad dog!

Bowwow
post #20  on September 12, 2005 - 5:20 PM PDT  
> On September 12, 2005 - 4:41 PM PDT woozy wrote:
> ---------------------------------


>
> Dogs should not do drugs!!!!!
>
> Bad dog!
>
>
> ---------------------------------


Hey, as long as my Kong-on-a-rope doesnt count as drugs, I am happy. It doesnt right? right?

throw the toy
throw the toy
throw the toy
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