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GreenCine General
Off Topic & Games
For when your thoughts are drifting to things not so movie, or if you're feeling trivially inclined.
591

Knee Jerk Contrarian Game
Topic by: woozy
Posted: August 12, 2007 - 12:57 AM PDT
Last Reply: August 13, 2007 - 11:20 PM PDT

author topic: Knee Jerk Contrarian Game
woozy
post #1  on August 12, 2007 - 12:57 AM PDT  
From a long ago thread long forgotten:

> On December 10, 2004 - 12:08 PM PST Cinenaut wrote:
> ---------------------------------
> It's time for the Knee-Jerk Contrarian Game, boys and girls!
>

This was fun while it lasted.

I was tooling around Netflix the other day and stumbled across this review of the rather modest but no less crisp and funny and biting Preston Sturges classic "Hail the Conquering Hero":

"Hail the Conquering Hero was made in 1944 during World War II and I guess that is why it is a film of such poor quality. This film seems to want to be a comedy but the only problem with it is that the filmmakers forgot to inject any humor into the film. If you looking for a comedy, anything by Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller or Will Ferrell is superior to Hail the Conquering Hero."

Okay, the game is to find preposterously clueless reviews on the internet.

I think perhaps the hands down winner is still this review of "The Seven Samurai":

Save your money and time by not watching this badly made kung-fu movie. The guys in this movie do not know martial arts at all. The story goes as follows: Some shaolin monk gets hired by some korean guys to protect their village. He recruits some other kung-fu fighters and goes to the village and kills all bandits. End of story. The fight scenes are so bad that it is laughable. I have seen movies by bruce lee and Jet Lee and they are vastly superior. Even the recent movie "the Matrix" has great hong kong type fight scenes, but this hong kong movie does not have any.

although the following review of "Lawrence of Arabia" is good too:

I am used to seeing movies with fast action or at least a good story. This movie has neither. Some british guy goes to the mideast and fights with turks. The screenplay never explains why he would do that. At least the writer who wrote this uninteresting piece of fiction could have created a plausible story. The movie is so slow moving and dull that I fell asleep.

About "Spirited Away":

For years we watched Pokemon and that was creative, deep and funny. This movie was similar but had nothing special in it.
CarmenSF
post #2  on August 12, 2007 - 3:55 AM PDT  
This one from the Village Voice for "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" tickled me when I first read it.

http://www.villagevoice.com/film/0049,taubin,20385,20.html

"The opening four-way and the gorgeous treetop match between Li and Jen are intermittently breathtaking. If you snooze a bit in the hour or so that elapses between them, you won't miss much at all."

Ouch.
underdog
post #3  on August 13, 2007 - 3:20 PM PDT  
Those reviews all made me want to cry.

Wow.

Anybody says anything bad about Preston Sturges or Miyazaki are... well, existing on a different planet than I.
woozy
post #4  on August 13, 2007 - 4:24 PM PDT  
Oh, here we go!

Rashomon
"Black & White. Japanese with subtitles. Lots of crying and manic laughter. Worst film I've seen in memory. Oscar must have been awarded at direction of the U.S. State Dept."

It's illuminating to see this netflix user's page where her two favorite movies are "Air Force One" and "Beverley Hills Cop II".

Also 'bout Rashomon:

"Boring nonsense. Whats so great about this flick? I tried to understand so I watched it twice: once like it is, and a second time, with the commentary. The commentary by this talking head was so much bs, verbalising the obvious, making things sound like theyre more than what they really are. Terrible acting, terrible, self-caricaturistic, grotesque. Music, believe it or not, is a version of Ravels Bolero, although slightly castrated in various ways. How can that be? Can you steal music like that? At least then leave it alone, play it like it is... All right then, so heres another cult classic of which I havent a clue why its so big. Not horrific in any way, but old, boring, and uninteresting. Not recommended."

and same guy about "Blue Velvet":

"Pretentious garbage: that's all. One of those very few cases where watching a flick is a COMPLETE and UTTER waste of time. Ponderous, disconnected - I don't even know where to start, neither do I care to. Do not rent this."

about "Clockwork Orange":

"This movie is an ancient and BORING piece of crap. Kubrick must be the most overrated film director: I've always heard of him like he's a genius of some sort, and yet every time I get to actually watch a flick he'd made, it invariably turns out to be a predictable, mind-numbing, and pointless piece of junk; the latest -- A Clockwork Orange -- turned out to be no exception. Forget the story, even acting is lousy; good lord, what a time waster... and what's the deal with the Russian-derived slang there? Have I been missing something really subtle, or is it yet another pointless attempt at being cute? Well, whatever... don't waste your time on this."

Also about "A clockwork Orange":

"This film really has no merit outside of its use as propoganda against the hippie subculture that was then growing like a nonnative speed weed. You can make your point as hip as God in purple pumps, but your fancy scare tactics still ain't gonna make me give up my revolutionary dreams. Your one-eyelashed goth clown poster child can just smurf himself from now until the ice age brings back the dinosaurs for all I care. Want proof? Who else but a Republican would think in such black (delusional grampa-stompin, illiterate sci-rednecks gallavantin' about like the Tasmanian Devil) and white (crisp, clean, calculating authority itself) terms? If you told me Spiro T. Agnew co-wrote the screenplay, I wouldn't be surprised."

"My class had to watch this movie, and half of us think it's disgusting while the other half thought it was a masterpiece. Well, personally, I thought it was repulsive. The violence and nudity were nothing less than shocking. I'm not blaming Kubrick, it's just how the story goes. After watching 30 minutes of it, I had to turn off the TV."

""is free will more important than being good?" this movie asks. "No" I replyed, "if criminals have their freedom, then good people will lose their freedom.""

And back to Rashomon:
"I'm afraid I'll get a lot of heat from this, but if you liked this movie, you've lost your mind. I'm afraid all too often people are influenced by critics and intimidated by old black and white films with subtitles. Though it may be a ground-breaking style of film, that does not make it a good film. In a sad attempt to confuse the truth about the death of a man, Kurosawa frustrates audiences with a bad Twilight Zone episode; too long and without that creepy plot twist so very needed. Best performance goes to the bad dubbing-over for the psychic."

artifex
post #5  on August 13, 2007 - 11:20 PM PDT  
These have to be intentionally lame reviews.
I know some people think it's fun to go to Amazon and write stupid reviews, so I assume this is related.

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