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For when your thoughts are drifting to things not so movie, or if you're feeling trivially inclined.
591

Tell a Joke
Topic by: jross3
Posted: April 11, 2005 - 4:02 PM PDT
Last Reply: January 26, 2006 - 7:59 PM PST

page  1  2  3  4      prev | next
author topic: Tell a Joke
tuffymccabe
post #41  on April 17, 2005 - 10:22 PM PDT  
A man walks into a bar. He says, "Ouch."
-----
A vulture tries to board an airplane while carrying two dead raccoons. He is stopped and told he must check one his raccoons because there is only one carrion per passenger.
---------
A man walks into a bar manned by a beautiful bartender. The sign behind her reads: CHEESE SANDWICH $2, ROAST BEEF SANDWICH $5, HAND JOB $10. He: are you the one who gives the hand jobs? She: why, yes, I am. He: Then wash your hands, I'd like a cheese sandwich.
--------
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "is the bartender here?"

(just keep saying it, you'll figure it out.)

jross3
post #42  on April 17, 2005 - 11:11 PM PDT  
Here's a dirty joke that you can't tell on the internet. Watch that stop me.

God had just created the heavens, the earth and all the life on it and found that he had two gifts he had yet to bestow on humanity. To he appeared before Adam and Eve, and decided to let them decide who got which gift.
So he presented unto them his first divine gift: peeing standing up. Adam heard this and immediately shouted, "Woah! That sounds amazing! Eve, do you mind? Can I have this one?"
Eve wasn't really interested herself, so she could hardly argue with Adam's enthusiasm.
And so God gave Adam his gift, and Adam was immensely happy. God created for him a patch of snow, and Adam immediately peed in it, and made interesting shapes (having no writing system to put down his name).




(this is where you're supposed to say, "So what was the second gift?")

Multiple orgasms. Zing!


(look at this Pandora's box I've opened. At least everyone's warning about their dirty jokes.....)
Wolfhour
post #43  on April 18, 2005 - 9:45 AM PDT  
> On April 17, 2005 - 12:46 AM PDT woozy wrote:
> ---------------------------------
> Ah, there's a local restaurant that serves that.

Mmmmmm...finger-lickin' good!

> But does it have to be cheerleader? Cheerleader is just a bit too fiesty and hard to settle down...
> ---------------------------------

Good grief. What next? Should we substitute carob for cocoa? How about replacing the garlic butter with some synthetic substitute!?!

Speaking of butter, here's a pat of madness from the Usenet Oracle Archive:

=========================================================
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
=========================================================
Oh oracle most wise and well read, please answer me this...

Since a cat always lands on its feet, and a piece of buttered toast always lands buttered side down, if you strap a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat (buttered side up), which side will it land on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Oh supplicant most wise-cracker:
Never fool with Murphy, for He supersedes Nature, even in Her Infinite Wisdom.

Verily, the strap shall break on the way down. And the piece of toast shall proceed to fall faster than the cat (DON'T give me that jive about Gallileo, this is higher stuff!) and shall indeed land on the expensive carpet buttered side down. The cat will fall on its feet, directly on the piece of toast, thus grinding it well into the fabric of the carpet (which you could've sworn you remembered to roll away before the experiment!).

In your desparate attempts to clean up the $2,000 rug, the vacuum will suddenly reverse action and spew out all of the dirt which has accumulated in it over the last few months (and just yesterday you were going to replace the bag, dammit!). So you call up the salesman, only to discover that the warranty has expired yesterday. You try to fix it
yourself, and of course the moment you have taken the fine machinery apart is when the screwdriver drops out of your hand onto your big toe.

You jump and cry out in agony, scattering the tiny screws and nuts into the least-accessible corners of the workshop, except for the largest one which is eaten by the cat. The spare screwdriver was lent to your neighbour last week, and he has just left for a month's vacation in the Bahamas.

Ergo: Ask not which side things land on: this side or that side, Nature and Murphy are never on *your* side.

You owe the Oracle $2.50 for the toast, $75 for the vet, $100 for medical expenses (wounded toe), $200 for the carpet cleaners, and $200 for a new vacuum cleaner. You owe Murphy an apology. You owe Nature your existence.

---
Beer vs. Religion: When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
jross3
post #44  on April 18, 2005 - 10:16 AM PDT  
Aha, I found some for the GC crowd. Is it just me, or are there quite a few engineers around here?


Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
woozy
post #45  on April 18, 2005 - 10:25 AM PDT  
> (look at this Pandora's box I've opened. At least everyone's warning about their dirty jokes.....)
> ---------------------------------

Pandora's box? Why? I love jokes... what's plaguelike about that?

Two literary jokes:

Crawling through vast desert in the Outback is the ...(hmm, in all those cartoons about people stranded in the desert on their hands and knees gasping for water; how exactly did they get stranded in the desert? Well, how ever it happened, this is one of them) ... crawling on hands and knees while buzzards are hovering overhead. Suddenly on the horizon he sees a small town. As he approaches there is a sign over the entrance to the town reading "Welcome to Mercy. Enjoy your Stay." The man rushes into the local bar and gasps "water...". The bartender says, "Sir, this is a bar. We do not serve just water. You must order a real drink." So the man gasps, "Tea?" "Tea," says the bartender scornfully, "Vegitarian or Carnivorous?" asks the bartender. "Wha...?" says the man. "Well, we're out of vegitarian teas anyway," says the bartender, "We have alligator, kangaroo, koala bear, and wallabee. Which would you like?" "Ugh," says the man. "Koala?" "Koala, it is," says the bartender and pours him a mug of steaming greasy liquid. The thirsty man looks at the mug. There are tufts of fur floating in it and gobs of fat and a bone with meat on it. "This is really gross," he says, "couldn't you have at least strained it." The bartender looks shock and says emphatically, "The Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained."

So, a little frog was sitting on a lilly pad one day when *swoop* he was grabbed by a stork and flown away. The little frog struggled and freed himself and fell from the stork's beak and falls and lands in the middle of a desert. Well, there's nothing for it but to trek a long way through the desert back to his little pond. It's rough going and the desert is hot and soon his poor little webbed feet are cracked and dry. But he perseveres and eventually he crosses a hill and sees his pond in the valley below. In th pond all his family and neighor frogs see him returning and the say, "Look, the frog comes in on little chapped feet."

Okay, now a man walks into a bar joke:
A man and a woman walk into a bar. They look at the sign that says "Tonight's Special: Roast Rabbit and wild rice. $17.50". The man says to his date, "That sounds good. Do you want to split that with me." The woman says, "Look, John. I'm not going to split hares with you."

And finally a cute dirty joke:
Paul feels that his twenty year marriage to Maggie is getting dull and listless. They married right after high school and the never left their small village and his life seemed to be losing all its spark and variety. One day while browsing his local library he noticed a book. At home he talked to Maggie.
"I was in the library today."
"Mmm-Hmm," said Maggie disinterested.
"I came across an interesting book."
"Mm-mm" Maggie nods mechanically.
"It was called, *ahem*, 'The Joy of Sex'" Paul blushes a deep red.
"Oh, yes?" says Maggie cautiously but now interested.
"Yes, *cough*," says Paul. "It, er, had some interesting suggestions and *mumble* positions."
"Did it, now?" says Maggie intrigued.
"Er, yes," said Paul fussing with the table setting, "I mean, some were ... anyhow some people might... I mean..."
"Any strike you fancy?" asked Maggie.
"Wellll," said Paul, "There was one called 'the Wheelbarrow'"
"Oh.." says Maggie, "and what's that then?"
"Well, it's like when we were kids and I'd pick you up by the legs and you'd walk on your hands. It's like that only we'd ... the participants would be having sex."
"You fancied it, did you" said Maggie.
"Well, ... not me maybe... city folk ... Um, well yes."
Maggie sits thinking.
"So, what do you think?" asks Paul cautiously.
"I'll do it on two conditions," says Maggie.
"Okay," says Paul.
"One, if my back begins to hurt we will stop.
Two, we turn around before we go past my mother's house."


jross3
post #46  on April 18, 2005 - 10:32 AM PDT  
Hey, did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.

Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling.

According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed. Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her. Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.

This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the conductor won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him one day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.

At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret - "what is it with the bananas?".

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it", replies our friend. "I'm just a bad conductor."
woozy
post #47  on April 18, 2005 - 10:35 AM PDT  
> "Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it", replies our friend. "..."
> ---------------------------------

HA-HA-HA. Gad, perfect telling, jross! I fell for it completely.

jross3
post #48  on April 18, 2005 - 11:12 AM PDT  
Just a few more for now. Enjoy the Engrish.

Good(?) food

Alternative child raising methods.

One-stop shopping for elitists on the go.

in the US, we just say, "Get outta here, kid!"

That's right, you heard the man. All your base are belong to us.
postmod
post #49  on April 19, 2005 - 2:30 PM PDT  
somethingawful.com has a series of old jokes given realistic (or, you could argue, incredibly bleak) punchlines:


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder case in a remote field.


A man walks into a bar.
He drinks six Newcastles, four shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks three more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.
hamano
post #50  on April 19, 2005 - 3:21 PM PDT  
Oh, hi postmod! Mmmm.... that reminds me....

WARNING! POTTY HUMOR! THE WORD "PENIS" IS USED!

Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet.

So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.

After the examination, the doctor said, "His penis is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his penis will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."

The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.

"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."

"I know," said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."
Dcran1955
post #51  on April 19, 2005 - 9:12 PM PDT  
WARNING TASTELESS JOKE!!!

I read in the paper today that Michael Jackson was seen walking with a pair of little boy's underwear hanging from his left arm.
The headline read: Thank God he's on the patch!
hamano
post #52  on April 20, 2005 - 3:47 AM PDT  
> On April 19, 2005 - 9:12 PM PDT Dcran1955 wrote:
> ---------------------------------
> WARNING TASTELESS JOKE!!!
>
> I read in the paper today that Michael Jackson was seen walking with a pair of little boy's underwear hanging from his left arm.
> The headline read: Thank God he's on the patch!
> ---------------------------------


Ha ha.... as long as the little boys weren't still IN them!
jross3
post #53  on April 20, 2005 - 5:32 PM PDT  
This isn't so much a "joke" as it is the most amusing thing I've seen all day:

Chef Tako makes sushi.
(there's a few other neat cooking shows at that site, go ahead and check it out)
Dcran1955
post #54  on April 20, 2005 - 5:36 PM PDT  
> On April 20, 2005 - 5:32 PM PDT jross3 wrote:
> ---------------------------------
> This isn't so much a "joke" as it is the most amusing thing I've seen all day:
>
> Chef Tako makes sushi.
> (there's a few other neat cooking shows at that site, go ahead and check it out)
> ---------------------------------

I wonder where he'll get the wasabi from.
Wolfhour
post #55  on April 20, 2005 - 5:41 PM PDT  
***ALERT ALERT***
ADULT HUMOR
***ALERT ALERT***

WHAT NOT TO NAME YOUR DOG

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I called mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took Sex with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my OWN tickets. "But you don't understand" I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for the custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 2 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "Looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.
kohnfused1
post #56  on April 21, 2005 - 10:05 AM PDT  
The Ugliest Person in the World:

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all
talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most
beautiful girl in the world."


Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the
world."


Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest
person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World
Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty
went first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the
world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I AM
officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused
and simply stated......

"Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

woozy
post #57  on April 21, 2005 - 11:07 AM PDT  
A bunch of silly jokes:

What's green, large, and stood by an anciet Greek harbor?
The colossus of Toads

What's green on top, has six legs, and would kill you if it fell on you from a tree?
A pool table

What do you with a dog with no legs?
Take it for a drag

What do you find a dog with no legs?
just where you left it

What do you call a cow with no legs?
ground beef

What do you call a cow with two legs?
lean beef

What do you call a cow that had an abortion?
De-calf-inated

What do you call the sport of tieing elastic bands to cows and tossing them off bridges or platforms?
Cow-a-bungee

What's white, cooks in under three minutes, and crawls up your leg?
Uncle Ben's perverted rice

What's red and crawls up your leg?
A homesick abor... *wait*, that's not silly, that sick!

And my inappropriate for Cosplayer saran wrap joke: A mother comes home to find her teenage daughter in bed with her (the teenage daughter's-- not the mother's) boyfriend. Concerned she asks if they are using protection. The daughter assures her that she's not stupid and of course they are. (One assumes the boyfriend is crawling under the covers wishing he were anywhere else.) The mother asks what they are using and the daughter say proudly, "Saran Wrap!"
kohnfused1
post #58  on April 21, 2005 - 2:53 PM PDT  
A farmer was in the barn milking his cow. Suddenly, he hears a loud thump and squeals of what sounded like a goat coming from behind a large pile of haystack. He wanted to see what the commotion was about and started to make his way towards the pile of hay. Right before he could turn the corner, out comes a goat with a rope tied around its neck. Cautiously, the farmer peaks around the bend and sees his teenage son hiking up his trousers. With a dissapointing scowl, the farmer shouts "Goshdarnit Billy! I told you, if you want some privacy, go to your room and do your business there."
woozy
post #59  on April 21, 2005 - 6:36 PM PDT  
> ---------------------------------
> A farmer was in the barn milking his cow. ...

Of course, everyone on the planet knows the one about a farm boy and a pretty girl walking past a bull mounting a cow. "Boy," says the farmboy, "I surely would like to do what that bull is doing right now." The pretty girl beams and says, "Why go right ahead! It's your cow, after all!"

Yep, I knew you all knew that one. Still a classic though.

Hmm, we need some sophiticated wry jokes about now.
Wolfhour
post #60  on April 21, 2005 - 7:39 PM PDT  
Considering investing in a lair? "Evil on a Budget"


The humans are weak. "We Are Zogg"


So right...so wrong. "Despair Inc."
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